IO Interactive’s Hitman series obviously focuses on the art of the assassination. Rather than emphasizing the growth of the main character or a solid plot, Hitman grants a large open world and a variety of methods to eliminate a target. Agent 47 can either be a silent assassin as he stealthily dispatches a target and escapes without any one person the slightest bit aware, or a merchant of death who murders scores of people to reach his ultimate target.  But another feature that separates Hitman from other stealth action games, such as Splinter Cell and Dishonored, is its dark sense of humor. Sure, you can shoot your target with your silenced Silverballers or  you can kill him in a hilariously dark way, that leaves you chuckling and shaking your head in disbelief. These are our top ten hilariously evil Hitman assassinations.

10. Hitman: Absolution – Death Factory “Eureka”

Everyone’s sensitive about some part of themselves. For some it’s their height, for others it’s their hair color. For Dr. Valentine, it’s his baldness. You can tell by the way he constantly rubs hair restorer on his scalp. Well, any weakness is an opportunity for Agent 47. When he’s not looking, switch out his hair restorer with highly combustible fuel and you have a red hot Dr. Valentine. Imagine the horror as the one thing you’re insecure about ends up becoming your downfall. It’d be like finally getting  sick of people calling you four eyes, but getting killed by your Lasik surgeon (wait why are we talking about me?).

Ryan Dodd


9. Hitman – The Final Test “Safety First”

The final mission in the excellent Hitman beta is Agent 47’s final trial before he can officially become a member of the ICA.  You are tasked with eliminating chess prodigy and Soviet spy, Jasper Knight, before he escapes to Cuba.  In classic Hitman fashion, there are a many ways to murder him.  You can poison his vodka (make Stalin proud), electrocute Knight via projector, or drown him in a toilet.  But, the best of all is the “Safety First” assassination.  You sabotage the emergency ejection system, then lure him down to the cockpit.  Calmly walk him through the safety procedures checklist, then watch him soar off into the heavens like a flaming Icarus.  It’s hilarious black comedy.

Ryan Dodd


8. Hitman: Contracts – Traditions of the Trade “Sauna Kill”

Saunas are usually a nice way to relax and clear your thoughts, unless you’re in the Hitman universe where collecting your final thoughts may be the more likely scenario. This mission has 47 traveling to the Thermal Bath Hotel in Budapest to take out the Fuch brothers, who are terrorists, surprisingly, and not a sleazy porno duo. With the right disguise and some patience, players will have the opportunity to turn the heat up on this unlucky Fuch and make his vacation a little more permanent.

Nick Grave

7. Hitman: Aboslution – Hunter and Hunted “Moment of Bliss”

The restroom may just be a place when man is at his most vulnerable. Hunter and Hunted is easily one of the best levels in Hitman: Absolution. Agent 47 turns the tables on three would-be assassins as there are just so many options to deal with them: light them on fire, trick a corrupt cop into doing the job for you, or even don a mascot costume and slice them up with a katana. But, the absolute worst/best method is the “Moment Of Bliss” assassination. Rewiring a power cable and pulling the switch right when the target is urinating results in the world’s least expected electrocution. You’ll laugh and wince simultaneously.

Ryan Dodd


6. Hitman: Blood Money – You Better Watch Out “Jacuzzi Kill”

This hit involves Agent 47 attending a Christmas party in the Rocky Mountains to deliver everything but holiday cheer. Our target for this particular assassination is Chad Bingham, a womanizing son of a Senator who can be found hanging out by the pool with a soon-to-be group of collateral damage. Unfortunately for Bingham though, he’s about to learn the true meaning of life swirling down the drain.

Nick Grave

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