A few days ago, the United Kingdom allowed itself to be pulled out of the European Union by the podgiest member of a 90s boyband and Lucifer’s droopy financial advisor.
We had Brexit, and soon after, as the pound dropped to the lowest its been since some enterprising Neanderthal carved a disc out of bronze and handed it over to a pal in exchange for a couple of dead beetles, we had Regrexit. The people who voted remain are sad, a surprising number of the people who voted leave are sad, the government is sad and the opposition are going full Wicker Man on their leader. Oh, and the football’s shit, too.
There have been happier times to be in Britain; regardless, we’ve still got our one foolproof defence whenever anything bad is happening in the world: forget about it and play video games! So, in a list so vapid I’m ashamed to be accredited with it, here’s five games to take your mind off Brexit.
5) Abe’s Odyssey
As Britain gears up for a few years of possible hard right Tory rule, it’s sobering to remember that it can always be worse. Yes, we may be gearing up for more old Etonians gleefully cutting social services, stripping away civil liberties and stoking hate and fear amongst communities, but, hey, at least they’re not Glukkons. Those fuckers actually ate the Mudokons. We’re never going to get eaten by the Tories.
I’m almost certain we won’t get eaten by the Tories.
4) Deus Ex: Human Revolution
Human Revolution is set in a world where control is held by a privileged few: the Illuminati. They co-opt augmentations in an attempt to bring the world to heel; their ruthless cunning, meticulous planning and complete disregard for human life proves a near-insurmountable foe during the course of the game, even for Adam “Yes, I wear sunglasses indoors, I have a condition” Jensen.
How is this supposed to make you feel better about Brexit? Well, say what you like about the Illuminati (and really, please do. It’s very difficult to hurt the Illuminati’s feelings.), at least they’re competent.
If there’s anything the past few weeks has taught us about the ruling class, it’s that they’re just awful. Really, you and I could do a better job; bear in mind that I’d definitely be shit at it, and I’ve absolutely no idea who you are.
3) Dead Space
This is all awful, but at least you’re not stuck on a spacecraft fighting off horrendous monstrosities. Sure, that’s something that can be said about pretty much any situation that isn’t being stuck on a spacecraft fighting off horrendous monstrosities, but…
Having said that, you would be on a spacecraft… And those zero gravity segments are tremendous fun.
Okay, in conclusion, you should play Dead Space because it constitutes joyous escapism from our current climate. Are you feeling better yet?
2) Bioshock Infinite
More in preparation than to forget, this entry is intended to pre-empt the U.K deciding they want independence from the rest of the world. When the islands are lifted to the clouds in what will go down as the most impractical display of petty nationalism since Brexit, you’ll be ready.
1) Theme Hospital
Prominent leave campaigner Nigel Farage later, after the votes had been counted, clarified that that wouldn’t actually be the case. Celebrate this by getting blind drunk and setting your computer on fire.