5. Michael – Grand Theft Auto V
Michael De Santa is a sad sort of a character. He’s a semi-retired professional criminal, married to a woman that he cannot stand, has two nutcases for children, and practically his entire life status is his own doing. Michael rides a curvy line between distracted and depressed in his day-to-day life, choosing to drink away his sorrows, instead of trying to work out differences with his wife or actually raise his children. His drinking frequently comes up in conversations with his family as well, as they blame him for doing nothing all day but drinking and sitting around.
4.Bo Rai Cho – Mortal Kombat Series
Now here’s a guy who knows there’s no better time to have a few drinks than when you’re fighting in a Mortal Kombat tournament. Or instead of a few, perhaps a lot of drinks in Bo Rai Cho’s case. He often hits that point where he’s puking puddles big enough to slip in. His original appearance in Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance may have portrayed him as a simple gimmick character but his resurgence in MKXL has proven that he is a drunken master in every sense of the word, with blows that hit just hard as the liquor he imbibes.
3. Duke Nukem – Duke Nukem series
Duke Nukem is infamous in the gaming world. He exists as some sort of an exaggerated take on action heroes from the 1980s; and those heroes themselves are already incredibly amplified versions of real, normal people. Where Dolph Lundgren gets the girl, blows the bad guy to kingdom come and rides off into the sunset, Duke has to get the complete harem of women, wipe the evil organization off the face of the Earth and fly into the sun itself. (That was overemphasized, I know, but Duke Nukem truly is that much of a hyperbole.) Living a life of excess, he also has a smoking habit and is no stranger to sucking down stogies as if his mouth was a conveyor belt for cigars. Duke also fancies pounding entire cans of beer in order to “become stronger.” After knocking back some brewskies, Duke let’s out a sky-shattering belch. Duke is most certainly a highly functioning alcoholic.
2. Max Payne – Max Payne Series
Is there a more depressing video game character than Max Payne? In the beginning of the first Max Payne, his wife and daughter are brutally murdered by junkies and sets the noir hero on a quest for vengeance. Though successful, he remains a wreck throughout the remaining two games. In Max Payne 3, he goes so far as to leave the country in his attempts to deal with his family’s death. Unfortunately for Max, that doesn’t do the trick. So, Max drinks. A lot. Even Irish people are telling him to calm down. The opening sequence in Max Payne 3 beautifully displays the depths of Max’s misery and his constant need to self-medicate. I dare you to try and keep up with Max in that game. You will have alcohol poisoning by the third mission.
1. Conker T. Squirrel – Conker’s Bad Fur Day
Starring in the hangover to end all hangovers that doesn’t include Zack Galifianakis, Conker has partied his way to the top of our list. Complete and total debauchery is the only way to describe this furry little f*****s’ alcoholic adventure. Booze, babes and clubbin’ with cavemen are all things you’ll find him taking part in during his Bad Fur Day. Not to mention, we’re talking about a character who takes the term “piss drunk” very seriously. So, Conker, from all of us who’ve ever reached their limit but kept on going, this round’s on us.