Another week, another opportunity to poke fun at developers’ efforts to be creative while perched atop an ivory tower of criticism. Obviously, when I say ‘creative’ I’m using the term very, very loosely, as our first offering will highlight.


 

Island Light 2

island light2

http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=526404621

A shoddy island-based survival game from the now infamous Kobra Studios, purveyor of fine titles such as Second Warfare, Second Warfare 2, Second Warfare 3 and the inimitable Girl Amazon Survival. This coughed-up jellied heap of playable bile is notable in that it is quite clearly a complete rip-off of popular island-based survival game The Forest. The major difference being this looks like some kind of hastily assembled pre-alpha development build which isn’t supposed to see the light of day for at least a few months – a small side-effect of trying to create a game when you so blatantly can’t and don’t want to put in the effort. It’s like a performance of Macbeth put on by a kindergarten class who entirely lack enthusiasm for the source material, only nowhere near as cute.

This is the kind of creatively bankrupt garbage that’s despicable in that it takes some of the limelight away from real developers. Therefore, I expect to see it successfully get on Steam within the week.


 

Gun Bombers

gunbombers

http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=526211322

I was so annoyed with the first entry that I’ve strayed away from the crappy to bring you Gun Bombers, a game that looks genuinely interesting and fun!

This is a multiplayer mining-themed deathmatch. Each miner starts in a different area and can move through the fully destructable terrain around them. When two miners meet, they have to kill one another, and then all the other miners until one miner is left alone, in a mineshaft, surrounded by the corpses of miners past. Alongside senseless murder, you can mine around for resources that will allow you to upgrade weapons between rounds. It just sounds really neat, and it’s made me just that little bit happier…. Ah, happiness, so this is what it feels like. Well, that’s enough joy for me, back to the crap.


 

Maze

maze

http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=525660882

Maze is a game described as “a survival horror which has 12 locations and we need find a way out”. Okay, fine, but from the trailer and images there’s no sign of any kind of monster, or any real threat at all. There doesn’t even seem to be any hunger or thirst meter, either. What’s the survival element here?! Do you have to survive dying of pure boredom, because you’ve found yourself playing a game that’s literally just a bloody maze with nothing else? Call me old-fashioned, but I’m not sure I’d be too invested in a game that I can complete by hugging the left wall and walking forwards.

It’s not difficult, just stick in a Slenderman or something! People love a Slenderman just shoved in for no reason. PewDiePie can’t scream at this now, can he?! It’s a simple rule, indie developers: If in doubt, stick in a Slenderman.


 

RPG II: Dark Matter

rpg II

http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=524765943

All those years ago, when video games were just teetering on the edge of the public consciousness and new discoveries were being made about what could be done with the medium, the fabled RPG was released. It was a genre-defining game, without it we almost certainly wouldn’t have well-loved series like Final Fantasy or The Elder Scrolls. All the while, though, fans were crying out in unison “When will RPG get a sequel?!” Well, my fellow brethren, our time has come. Finally, RPG 2 has graced our unworthy countenances with its presence.

How does it look? Well, like a generic, bland RPG Maker-produced piece of fluff, truth be told. But I really think you’re missing the point here. This is gaming history we’ve found on Greenlight. It’s THE RPG 2. Praise be.

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