It’s that time again, so let’s look at some of the utter tripe people are peddling on Steam. If you’ve seen any of Jim Sterling’s YouTube stuff, it’s like that but with text and not videos. So, basically, I’m bemoaning a lack of originality on developers’ behalves while not applying those same values myself. If we’re all fine with that hypocrisy, we can continue. And I begin by asking the following question: Are you full of the festive spirit? I sure hope so, because we begin with…

Christmas-life: Santa Edition

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(Update: This has unfortunately been removed from Greenlight. Here’s a cached version for the curious.)

Ew, they’ve managed to uncanny valley Christmas. You’re Santa, and therefore have to fulfil your festive obligation of platforming around a desolate icy landscape, collecting presents and avoiding what I can only presume are elves as you go. I’m not entirely sure this is canonical Santa.

As far as I can tell from the gameplay trailer, there’s no soundtrack other than occasional dings as you collect gifts. Horrible, horrible dings. This is explained, however, in the greenlight page FAQ.

“What ist the current status of the Project?
The Code is completed, there are some smaller bugs to fix but it’s working fine. The most of the sounds are still missing and some graphical effects need to be improved/added. Otherwise only new Levels are missing.”

As answers go, that’s one hell of a slippery slope. Imagine if you were talking to a builder about their progress on your bathroom, and they responded with something like that.

“Nah, it’s totally fine mate. Just a couple of skirting boards need to be laid down, bit of a polish, job’s a good’n! Well, apart from the sink. We need to add the taps to the sink. And the actual sink needs to be added, to accommodate those taps that we need to add. But the plumbing’s all sorted! Apart from the pipes, but we do have the space in which the pipes would be laid all ready to go. In theory. The plans for where the spaces in which the pipes will be laid are finalised, so we know theoretically where the spaces where the as of yet non-existent pipes will go, will be. Otherwise, only the floor’s missing.”

It’d be mad, that.

The Worm

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http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=516890942

You know the old classic Snake? You’d play it on your old phone, it was nice and simple and addictive. Well imagine that but in 3D, much more complicated and presented in a manner which causes a headache. Oh and it’s a worm, obviously.

Also, the developer is deleting comments on their page. Honestly, censoring discussion about a game called The Worm on Greenlight is the second most ridiculously pointless and despicable thing I can think of. Number one is creating The Worm.

Poopy Birds

images.akamai.steamusercontent

http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=518213275

Well, I was almost certain this would a be another Flappy Bird clone and it wasn’t, so that was a nice surprise at least. It’s actually a weird mesh of Space Invaders and Duck Hunt with added poo. You play a farmer who is so annoyed with birds defecating on his head that he gets a boat and goes out to sea, directly under a flock of birds, to exact gun-based revenge. (Because we all know that the proper response to being shat on is to go directly to a place with a far higher shit density, and risk being quite literally shat to death.)

Heroes oF Vandar Clicker RPG

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http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=517475406

Last week we had a clicker with zombies, now we have a clicker RPG. If you’ve ever played an actual RPG and thought “Huh, this is fine, but I wish I had almost no agency”, or if you really, really like upgrades and absolutely nothing else, then this is apparently for you.

Also, the game title is for the game title. Don’t put the game description in the game title too. That’s what the game description’s for.

In fairness, though, the developer displays some very interesting ideas on boss design.

“bosses are just bigger verison and stronger”

If you’re making notes at home, be sure to underline that point. You’re welcome.

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