Ever pay for something purely with a decreased sense of dignity and self-respect? That’s exactly what you will have after you watch a cutscene from the free game, Kitten Squad. Self-loathing aside, we humbly welcome you to our review of the Russian Rhoulette equivalent of family fun time! Step right up to the pedestal of bad parenting. Be careful you don’t misstep and hang yourself when your child accesses something in this game that you’ve denied having ever existed. Why the warm reception, you ask? Have you ever seen a sheep in sheep’s clothing? That’s precisely what PeTA, the maker of Kitten Squad, wants to see; and I don’t mean the gangly goldilocks guy from The Hunger Games. These people wish that guy starved to death.
Mark Zuckerberg, the animatronic feline Facebook founder that makes funny cat videos and memes always appear at the top of our feeds, has made our brains and bodies supple for the impending cat-astrophic takeover. Who would ever really suspect that the race of creatures most likely to chow down on us first after we choke to death on our Cheerios will be the likely saviors of the planet? No humans in Kitten Squad, just saying. Cats are the only animals that I know of, besides some sociopaths, that kill just for the hell of it or to sharpen their skills like Rambo.
Kitten Squad is a 99% kid friendly game where you pick up and use randomly acquired projectile weapons (memorize what they look like!) to lay waste to the evil robots that have imprisoned and dethroned select members of the animal kingdom. I’m sure there is a kitty litter joke in there somewhere. For the most part, this game is cute. Your cat twitches and meows in a soft cuddly tone when they touch a trap or get hit by a bot. Then that 1% of pure evil rears its ugly head. These are the cutscenes in Kitten Squad, and the chance that your child goes on a shopping spree for Kitty Coins with your life savings. The cutscenes are overproduced to graphically show and describe how humans are cruel to animals. It’s definitely not for small children. Unless you think your kid can handle the not-so-subtle interludes without getting sick or siphoning your bank account through your PSN wallet, don’t leave your child unattended with this game. Play it with them. You can afford any of the virtual merchandise they might want after playing Kitten Squad for a few hours anyway.
Kitten Squad has some action RPG elements that include earning Kitty Coins to customize your appearance through overlong storyline questing and collecting bounties. Cat owners who play the game might feel awkward after they find themselves unintentionally saving 2000 Kitty Coins all of the time out of habit. Your secret is safe with me.
In this shooter, you are running and gunning twin-stick arcade style like the eighties’ hit, Smash TV. Items and coins drop. Enemies swarm. The different guns are surprisingly well-balanced for a game that you probably had just assumed the designers didn’t care that much about. The game functions the way a game like this should. In two-player mode, you can mix up strategy with your teammate by using different weapons. One player could theoretically play crowd control while the other does focus-fire. The only real risks you have of not completing these time-consuming missions are getting trapped behind obstacles that keep damaging you, or falling asleep. The game looks good, and the music is mundanely fitting. Also, there is a bird in town that spits out childhood ending facts when you talk to him. Have fun with that.
Watch in horror as you play Kitten Squad with your child, and they learn something you never wanted to admit exists, even to yourself–and then distract them by changing the subject like any good American should. Or, you could explain it to them.