As characters were announced for the Super Smash Bros roster, lots of people wrote lots of lists about who they really want to see included. This is another one.
1) The Glowy Exposition Orb from Everybody’s Gone To The Rapture
‘Glowy Exposition Orb’, or GEO, was such a pivotal character that a main portion of the game involved running around the countryside trying to find the damn thing. Of course, ‘running’ refers to the closest facsimile that the game could manage – a gentle jog that barely feels any different from normal walking. Herein lies the power of GEO.
Imagine the look of awe in your friends faces as Starfox is brought down to an excruciatingly slow pace, wandering around the map in the vain hope they might run into a vague hologram of someone from Shropshire discussing their neighbour’s itinerary.
2) The Monk from Age of Empires II
This glaring omission is enough to make you attempt to eat the spat out cereal once more in a flourish of righteous fury before realising you’ve accidentally eaten most of the bowl, too, and need urgent medical treatment.
The announcer counts down to signal the beginning of another thrilling match.
The Monk waves his arms and everyone, including the announcer, is on his side. Your friends give you beaming smiles and congratulate you on yet another well-fought game. It is 76 – 0 – 0 – 0 in this best of 100 match-up.
3) The Headbanger from Dead Space
Widely regarded as one of the creepiest characters in the first Dead Space, it’s easy to make an argument for the Headbanger’s inclusion. It is, after all, a zombie that bangs its head against the wall until it dies.
Think about the combo opportunities! You could headbang then die, or you could headbang and headbang then die. You couldn’t headbang then die then headbang for obvious reasons, but you could headbang and headbang and headbang then die!
4) The FBI Agent from E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
Yeah, okay, we all understand that the E.T. game is notorious to the point of being a fully-fledged meme. Really though, there are certain mechanics that would make a very smooth transition to the Super Smash Bros format.
Take, for instance, the FBI Agent enemy. Imagine the shouts of frivolity as he randomly floats onto the screen at any given point, moving in a manner that makes no logical sense and killing all in his path with a single touch. It’s the next step in video game evolution – confuse players by subverting the rules to the point of wretched unplayability.
5) A Konami Executive from The Deepest Recesses of Hell
People have been focusing on which characters would be the most fun to play with, but why not bust this problem wide open? Let’s think outside the box; let’s have that thinking be blue sky thinking; let’s widen our margins, and, most importantly, let’s please the shareholders. How do we do this? We put in a Konami exec, obviously.
All other characters will be immensely put off by apparent attempts to spin Konami’s shady business practices and disgraceful employee treatment. Try putting in the Konami code for an exciting Easter egg! Be careful, though, because that Easter egg is a lawsuit.