About a week ago I put together a list of five Pokémon that were simply unfathomable to me.

Since then, with some outside input from people with experience of games other than Pokémon Red, it’s come to my attention that I was merely scratching the surface.

There are strange Pokémon out there. Pokémon that make Salvador Dali landscapes look like still life. Pokémon that make Ozzy Osbourne’s ‘Crazy Train’ look like the Orient Express. Pokémon that make Nicholas Cage look like a normal human. They exist.

Oh boy, do they exist.

5) Klefki

poke_Klefki
There are a fair number of reasons to include Klefki on this list. Let’s start with the obvious one; Klefki is a keychain.

I know, especially after the previous article, it’s somewhat hackneyed to just go “Oh, Pokémon X is just Y!” Fair enough, I won’t use that line again, but it’s nonetheless an important point to make because being a keychain informs pretty much all of Klefki’s mannerisms and behaviour.

Let’s look at the two descriptions of Klefki from X and Y:

“These key collectors threaten any attackers by fiercely jingling their keys at them.”

Yep, their form of self-defence is jingling. As we all know, jingling, no matter how fierce, is one of the least threatening things to hear. The only situation in which I’d associate jingling with danger would be if the local bell-maker became a psychotic serial killer, sticking bells all over themselves and lurking in dark alleys, jingling as they crept up on their victims. And that is the only situation, Klefki. The only situation.

“It never lets go of a key that it likes, so people give it the keys to vaults and safes as a way to prevent crime.”

Wow. So you’re taking items that are highly coveted by the criminal underworld, putting them on creatures that are highly coveted by the criminal underworld, and proclaiming the result as a ‘safe way to prevent crime’. Well sure, in the same way that combining drunk teenagers, fireworks and seventy acres of dry trees is a great way to prevent forest fires.

4) The Vanillite – Vanillish – Vanilluxe Evolutionary Line

poke_vanill_evoYou know how I said I wouldn’t use the “X is just Y” formula, because it’s lazy and reductive and overused? Well, fuck it, because these are literally just…
No, you know what, we all know what these are. There’s not a single person reading this that doesn’t know what those Pokémon up there are. Not what they look like, what they literally are.

There’s not much more I can add, which is probably wise considering that tirade against Klefki. All I will say is that the right head of Vanilluxe is putting on a brave face in spite of having a straw plunged through its skull. What a trooper.

3) Slowkingpoke_Slowking

At first, this seemed a fairly innocuous addition. I mean it is somewhat outlandish that a civilisation made up of creatures as aloof as Slowbro and Slowpoke could ever form a monarchy, or indeed any kind of unified power structure, but it’s not weird enough to include in this list.

What really got me with Slowking was looking into its wiki’s biology section. What I found would leave me irredeemably saddened. Slowking has a Shellder latched on to its head, whose venom grants Slowking super intelligence. As venom is transferred to Slowking’s brain, Slowking gains further intelligence. It’s a stunning example of social mobility in a world that has seen little in the way of advancement for the Slow species.

Sounds great, right? Yeah, apart from this: “When the Shellder on its head comes off, it will forget everything it has learned.”

At any point, this creature’s life can come tumbling down around it, and it won’t be any the wiser.

Christ, reading Flowers For Algernon left me devastated enough. I don’t need the exact same heartache in Pokémon, thank you very much.

I’ll try and compose myself for number two.

2) Drifloonpoke_Drifloon

Well, there’s not a lot to this entry to be honest. It’s a balloon Pokémon, for one thing. It’s disgustingly cutesy, all the way down to the adorable band-aid cross on its face and the splodge of whipped cream on its head. It’s a shame that number two has such a boring entry to be honest, but there really seems to be little else to this… Oh, hang on, what’s this…?

“It has been known to steal children that mistake it for a regular balloon.”

Well…

1) Luvdisc (again)poke_luvdisc

Yep, it’s Luvdisc once more. My apologies to everyone who read the last article and were expecting a new entry at the top spot, but I have some unfinished business with this insipid, saccharine bundle of scales. I hope you’ll entertain me for just a little while longer.

So after the last article, where I lambasted Luvdisc for being basically nothing, I had a thought. Surely no creature could be quite that vapid. It has to have an ulterior motive, it simply has to.

And then I read deeper. During spawning season Luvdisc “congregate at coral reefs, turning the waters pink.” Seems fairly normal, at worst distressingly cute, right?

Wrong!

It is my belief that Luvdisc, gripped by the blood lust that comes with a season devoted to shagging, form their colonies as an elaborate ruse. They ‘turn the waters pink’. You know what else turns the waters pink?

The blood of unknowing citizens, that’s what! Swimming just a bit too far out, they’re dragged beneath the blue linen of the sea’s surface and brutally savaged by a chaotic scrum of rampaging love hearts.

The main goal of Luvdisc is to remove us. Why? Well, why don’t we remove us from Luvdisc.

Lvdic.

Remove the C.

Lvdi.

Mix ’em up, add an E.

DEVIL.

I rest my case.

Comments